2019 Christmas
Dear Family & Friends,
To quote William Shakespeare’s Henry V: “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!” Henry V had an easier time dying from dysentery than the Franklin’s did surviving this year.
In early 2019, Joe ran for City Council. He walked the streets of Manhattan Beach soliciting votes like a prostitute in stripper heels. Joe littered every residence, warehouse, beach house, coffee house, art house, tea house, farmhouse, doghouse, henhouse and outhouse with his lawn signs, buttons and banners. And just like House of Cards, there was sign stealing, name calling, public humiliation, lies and obfuscation. Mostly by Nancy. In the end, Joe lost. Now Nancy doesn’t have to disguise herself every time she goes to the grocery store.
After the loss, Joe and Nancy headed to Belize to lick their wounds, each other and some darned good bottles of rum. No details will be forthcoming.
It seems like only eight years ago that Taylor, 27, was being dropped off at college. Wait, it HAS been eight years! The Franklins are delighted to say that Taylor finally stumbled into commencement exercises (after it was explained to her that this was not a gym workout) and received her diploma. She’s now seriously ‘adulting’, working at the Westdrift Hotel in Manhattan Beach, living in an apartment with a roommate and looking for her first job in her field. Her parents hope her ‘field’ doesn’t look like Max Yasgur’s dairy farm after that little Woodstock gathering.
On Easter, just like rabbits, Jimmy, 28, and Christie announced they were expecting, proving (metaphorically speaking) that Jimmy can’t even pull out of his own driveway. On the big day, Jimmy TRULY couldn’t pull out of his driveway as the starter on his car malfunctioned. Nancy and Joe, having driven down, were immediately carjacked. Baby Liam Christopher Wayne Franklin arrived Saturday, November 2, 7 lbs 3 ozs, 21 inches. Everyone is doing well. Jimmy and Christie are reminded that no matter how many names you attach to a child, it won’t get them any closer to royalty.
As for the other grandchildren, Maci , 5, started kindergarten this year. Her favorite parts of the day are lunch and naps. Just like her grandparents. Caroline, 3, makes sure her grandparents are just napping, and not dead, with often used phrases like “Oh no!” and “I need help!”
Nancy is now ripe enough to be attracting flies. She still has a tenuous grip on reality and will be re-launching her website, Mirthquakes.com, in January where you can read her musings. Subscribe so you can make sure she’s not writing about you.
In May, the Franklins found an amusing way to test the limits of their marriage and retirement saving$: a major home remodel! Instead of living in a tent in their backyard with a garden hose and porta-potty, Joe found a cute 2-bedroom Strand tear down. Literally. It was scheduled to be torn down in mid-November. But the Pine Avenue Clampetts moved in anyway.
Life is hard at the beach: Hard not to listen to the gentle sound of the surf. Hard to keep from getting high on the ganga..er..gentle sea breezes wafting up from the parking lot below. Hard for Nancy to avert her eyes from the hard-bodied surfers. Fortunately, Joe and Nancy had enough wine to make the best of it.
Now, God created the earth in six days and rested on the seventh. Clearly God had a better contractor. The Franklin’s contractor rested six months and on the seventh, decided not to connect the master bath toilet to the main sewer line. If you’ve never seen four grown men arguing over who is going to go under the house to clean up the mess, your life is magical.
Joe calculated the yearly income he’d planned for during retirement, multiplied that by the number of years the stress was taking off his life, decided to manage the subs himself, and fired the contractor. A veritable Radio City Music Hall Rockette matinee of workmen high-kicked their way through the house. Brinks armored trucks rolled by, daily, strewing cash around like confetti. Nancy added to the ticker-tape parade with CVS drug receipts. But the Franklins were back in their house just in time.
Speaking of dancing, just as the new washer and dryer danced out of the cabinet during the spin cycle due to improper installation, Joe and Nancy set off for their rescheduled European Christmas Market river cruise. When the plane landed in Copenhagen, Joe realized he was missing a bag. After ascertaining that the old bag he was missing was Nancy’s suitcase, not Nancy, he dutifully filed a report with the local Swiss Air baggage polizei.
Day 1 of Missing Suitcase- Check out hotel restaurant inexplicably named “BM Restaurant.” Don’t order the “#2”special.
Day 2– Nancy says Joe’s boxer shorts bunch up when worn under leggings. Joe mumbles that she shouldn’t be wearing his underwear, then.
Day 3– Joe maintains that he’s not ignoring Nancy; He’s just keeping upwind of her for obvious reasons.
Day 4– Swiss precision is a myth. Nancy goes clothes shopping. Nancy’s note to self: do not underestimate size of butt when buying new panties or you will look like bratwurst exploding from its casing. The Danes put underwear purchases in a bag featuring a large photo of a young woman’s bum, wearing black panties that ride up, revealing a soupcon of her fleshy buttock cheeks. Carrying this is the same as waving a red flag in front of a bull. At least to Joe, anyway.
Day 5- 6–After maintaining online silence for four days, Swiss Air announces they’ve located Nancy’s bag. But it isn’t until Day 6 that the bag arrives at the dock, having now seen more of Europe than Nancy and Joe. It should have its own frequent flyer account.
Days 7-14– With suitcase returned, back on her meds and fueled by ‘gluhwein’, Nancy plunders the Christmas markets of Nuremberg, Vienna and Budapest like Blackbeard on shore leave.
And so, as 2019 is buried like something the cat left in a litterbox, the Franklins give thanks for their many blessings: time with family and friends, good health and the wisdom of having two, separate sets of cabinets, sinks and drawers in their master bathroom.
May you, as well, have many blessings in 2020!
Joe, Nancy, Jim, Taylor, Christie, Maci, Caroline and baby Liam Franklin