Horrorscopes

Aries

March 21 - April 20

This month is marked be evolution: you finally crawling out from the muck of your bed and into a shower. Let go of emotional wounds that have been holding you back from growing into the person you’re making up in your head. This means you’re drinking from the champagne fountain during the office holiday party. December 24^th offers you a chance to let go of the emotional weight that’s been resting on your shoulders this year. Isn’t it great when you decide not to celebrate the holidays with family? Releasing visions that aren’t serving your best interests will involve recreational drugs, but ultimately will be rewarding, especially on December 31^st when you’re reminded of what a shit show these last two years have been.

Taurus

April 21 – May 21

The full moon is encouraging you to get intimate with others. You’ve got a month that promises truly magical vibes in your relationship. You’ll need batteries for those ‘vibes’! If you’ve been trying to find the long-lost spark in your love life, try sparking a fire under your spouse’s recliner. Before surrendering to any emotions, it’s important for you to think about who and what you want. George Clooney and Michael B. Jordan are taken. Take your time and don’t feel pressured to pick the first guy on a bar stool who looks at you sideways. It’s important for you to think about what that guy will look like in the morning.

Gemini

May 22 - June 21

Prepare to make major career transitions this month: Your truest professional calling may be as a mall Santa! This energy will be heightened when the first toddler cries in your lap and then vomits on your boots. You are motivated to ask for a beneficial contract and raise. “Ho! Ho! Ho!” says your boss. Venus begins its backwards spin on December 19^th leaving you feeling extra-frustrated, resistant to compromise and dizzy. But don’t be too stubborn! There’s a middle ground to be found, and agreeing on the number of drinks you can have during your shift will ultimately pay off!

Cancer

June 22 - July 22

The upcoming month calls for you to rest and reflect, so wear your favorite sweatpants, put on a face mask, watch your favorite movies or whatever helps you chill out. Pretty much your status quo for two years now, amiright? Try medication and liquid therapy to heal any anxiety that bubbles up around this time. Implement boundaries with others, like establishing with your relatives that 3,000 mile no-fly zone around your apartment. Retrograde begins this month which puts you at odds with everyone else in your orbit. We know you march to a different drummer which, fortunately, only you can hear. You’ll crab-walk into 2022, claws held high, ready to pinch the first ass that gets in your way.

Leo

July 23 - August 22

The month ahead is going to shake up your life in many ways and help you step into an absolute shit storm. The solar eclipse and full moon on December 4 and 18^th both urge you to realign your dreams with an ice bucket of reality. When the sun moves into realistic Capricorn on the same day as the winter solstice, bundle up and use contraceptives! By the time the Saturn-Uranus square occurs, you’ll be walking in circles. Rid yourself of your boyfriend and the drama he brings. You are coming into a place of insanity in which you can make the rules. After all, it’s your world, Leo, and we’re just happy we don’t live in it.

Virgo

August 23 - September 22

Sometimes, people tend to take your kindness. And take and take. Like your significant other. Maybe a flashlight will help illuminate how truly gullible you are. The ‘full moon’ on December 18^th may push you to acknowledge and try to remedy the cracks in Uranus. Change yourself. The tables will turn for the worse on December 28^th just as you think you’re about to escape from this miasma. Cut off those who aren’t worthy of your tenderness and loyalty, except for your cat, although even she barfs up a hairball occasionally.

Libra

September 23 - October 22

This is a wonderful month to find a balance in your checking account. You’ll uncover a way to fix the issues that have been plaguing your intimate relationships: stop having relationships! You’ll feel motivated to work through problems, such as feelings of rejection, by drinking. As long as you put your insecurities aside (the drinking will help!), this can help you feel confident that your life is a mess. You won’t focus and reflect on the past (drinking helps that, too!), and you’ll be empowered to go back to your couch and finish binge-watching The Great British Baking Show.

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

Stand up for yourself and assert your views with passion! Just not at the office Holiday party. The Saturn-Uranus square of 2021 is awakening issues that have been buried beneath your lawn. You’ve buried the hatchet with those who’ve wronged you, but not very deep in their heads. As a result, old resentments will rise on the 24^th, just like Jacob Marley’s ghost, and you’ll feel compelled to ‘express’ yourself from every orifice. This is a good time to remember that you’re the one in control of your life and your bladder. So ask yourself how you would like to move forward and then go in the opposite direction.

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

Yes, you get fidgety, but now you’re wearing rubber bands on your sleeve. You’ll feel all the feels that you’ve been holding yourself back from expressing for the past few months. While you’re feeling yourself up, others will move away from you in disgust. You’ll be rewarded with an STD that will urge you to move forward with a visit to your doctor. Create the energy you need to finally work through your ‘love yourself’ issues, further setting the stage for a ‘feel-up’  month.

Capricorn

December 22 - January 20

Mercury is going to take a big dump on your holidays. Be especially wary of attempting to make your relationships appear differently than they are. Unlike Mercury, we all know you’re still holding onto your shit. The need to present matters and partnerships in an idealistic light could be the straw that has the camel being admitted for a 72-hour hold at the local hospital. Tread lightly and delicately, as everything could blow up during December 24^’s family dinner if you aren’t extra careful. Even if you are careful, it’s going to blow up anyway. Grab a whole pie and lock yourself in the only bathroom.

Aquarius

January 21 - February 19

The past two years have taken you on an intoxicating journey that’s left you wondering why you didn’t try drinking away your problems sooner. The month ahead doesn’t cement your professional and public status. Particularly after the office holiday party. But it allows you to understand that your career will be in flux. The final standoff between you and your skinny jeans is a reminder that you have to loosen up your waistband. You may not be sure what’s happening tomorrow; that’s because of the drinking. The full moon on December 18^th will drive home this idea that people can still see you having a ‘nip’ in the moonlight.

Pisces

February 20 - March 20

Your life is about to blow up in many ways, Pisces. Neptune’s direct station on your sun will allow you to find direction. So would GPS if you ever figure out how to use it. You’ll be given the boost to take action on pursuing the dreams that you’ve been plotting and planning for some time, thanks to your parents kicking your ass to the curb. The solar eclipse also brings a major jolt of positive energy to your public standing and career, putting you in the limelight on the night of your office holiday party. Enjoy the spotlight, Pisces. You deserve to be celebrated for your courage in singing “My Heart Will Go On” when you discovered they ran out of the chocolate volcano surprise for dessert. Hold that sentiment close to your heart. Hug it. Love it. Never forget it. We know the internet won’t, either.