2018 Christmas

Dear Family & Friends, 

(Sung to the tune of “Let It Snow”)

Oh, the politics are so spiteful

And the kids have been so frightful

And since this depression won’t slow

Drinks will flow! Do some blow (kidding!)Let it go!

This past year, Nancy and Joe have felt like Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove, riding that H-bomb into oblivion. In January, Nancy decided to go home to her mother. Your likely assumption would be that she moved there having finally had it with Joe, Jimmy and Taylor. You wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Sadly, Nancy’s mother left on eternal vacation and had her passport stamped in Heaven, leaving Nancy as the Dominatrix…er…EXECUTRIX of her estate. Several museums were interested in the fine antiques and native artifacts Nancy’s mother had accumulated over her 57 years in the family home. The museums declined to take the two antiques that Nancy kindly refers to as her sisters, but cleaned out the rest of the house like Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.

After that, the nightmare continued. Jimmy and Christie announced that they were both being deployed, supposedly to quell rumored insurgent uprisings (tourists or students on summer break). When asked who would be watching the kids, Jimmy and Christie did a representation of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” before Riverdance-ing out the door to Okinawa and southeast Asia, respectively. Joe, Nancy and Taylor spent seven glorious, nerve shattering, sleep-depriving weeks caring for their little pocket dictators, Maci, 4, and Caroline, 2. There was enough money spent on sitters and day care to host a Kardashian wedding. And to paraphrase Winston Churchill, “Never in the field of human conflict was so much water fetched by so many for so few at bedtime.” 

Then there’s Taylor, who is still sulking around the family home like a wraith from The Haunting of Hill House.Appropriately, she’s working the graveyard shift at the Manhattan Beach Westdrift Hotel and was recently promoted to Front Desk Supervisor. Just like real hauntings and psychokinetic paranormal activity, her parents continue to find household objects in unusual places— Nancy’s hair products in Taylor’s bathroom, for example; dirty cups and plates on the back room coffee table; and laundry on the living room couch. Nancy and Joe are considering an exorcism but what truly scares them is that Taylor might never leave.

Taylor is still trying to set the world record for number of years working on a bachelor’s degree. She recently informed her parents that just ONE (1) ASU class saved her from having to take yet another semester at CSUDH—“History of Hip Hop.” There’s a joke in there somewhere and when Nancy and Joe stop crying, maybe they’ll find it.

Nancy turned 65 this year, adding another layer of mold around the wheel of cheese that is her midsection. She’s living the dream, having officially retired at the end of last year. Joe is living his personal nightmare, which is having Nancy home all day, every day.  Nancy has been quite productive. She has arranged and rearranged all the tchotchkes on her desk, organized the pantry, picked the lint off of her house sweater and answered her Publishers Clearing House email. That was Monday.

Nancy also wrote a novel. Mostly on a dare from Joe who said he bet she couldn’t stop watching Ellen, The Bachelorand The Real Housewives of Beverly Hillslong enough to put 75,000 words on paper. The reviews from family and friends are already coming in: “This is a great work”… of trash. “I couldn’t put it down”… fast enough. “Brilliant”… as bird cage liner. Nancy remains undeterred, however, and is busily mining her life history for all sorts of stories, characters and plot points. Each and every one of you should be living in abject fear of what she might write.

Nancy and Joe had to cancel this year’s planned Christmas Market river cruise down the Danube. The Danube was so low that passengers regularly partaking of the gluhwein, gansebratan, lebkuchan and Weihnachtsstollen abundantly available at the Weihnachtsmarktes on shore, were bottoming out the boats, forcing the cruise lines to bus passengers from city to city. This made the trip about as appealing as the bus ride “Ratso” Rizzo and Joe Buck took to Florida in Midnight Cowboy.

The dishwasher went out Thanksgiving Day. After a few days, Joe commented that the dishes were getting better “hand jobs” than he ever did. Nancy assured him that the dishes would continue to get more attention than he unless a repairman was at the house before the end of the week.

Joe’s holiday lawn display is up and as inflated as President Trump’s ego. It looks like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon gave birth to a litter on the Franklin front lawn. Thanks to Nancy’s devious succulent and cacti front yard landscaping, recent puncture-wound casualties include one holiday Minion and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Nancy is still hoping that a few more wind storms and cacti encounters will take out the rest of the inflatables, including the blow hard that is her husband.  

Speaking of inflatables, Nancy decided she might as well just bend over and take on all that this year could throw at her. Which meant it was colonoscopy time. Everything ‘came out’ fine, and Nancy reminds you of the importance of getting your regular health screenings, even if they are truly, literally, pains in the ass. At least with a colonoscopy you get drugs.

Finally, Joe has decided to run for Manhattan Beach City Council next year. He’s been lobbying, campaigning or speechifying around the house for some kind of recognition for as long as Nancy has been married to him. Nancy finally told him that instead of beinga stump, he should go out onthe stump. Joe is encouraging Nancy to canvas the streets with him. Nancy is reminding Joe that canvassing is just another word for ‘street walking,’ and ‘pressing the flesh’ under the supervision of a man can get you 5-10 at a state penitentiary. 

Nancy has decided to run, too…. far, far away from anything to do with Joe’s campaign and reminds you all that a vote for Joe is a vote for Nancy as honorary “First Lady” of Manhattan Beach at some point during Joe’s four-year tenure. Think about that as you go to the polls on March 5, 2019. Go to ‘VoteJoeFranklin.com’ to help volunteer to get Joe out of Nancy’s hair.

And so as another year comes to a bittersweet close, the Franklins give thanks for their many blessings which include you, our family and friends. This year has brought us a deeper understanding of the circle of life and an appreciation for all with whom we share it. May you all have peace, prosperity and good health in 2019.

Joe, Nancy, Jimmy, Taylor, Christie, Maci and Caroline Franklin 

*Paid for by the Bad Santa Holiday Newsletter Committee which is solely responsible for the content. Joe wants you to know that neither he, or his committee, authorized this newsletter. Chicken!