2017 Christmas (with a satirical nod to this year’s “Trumpisms”)

Dear Family and Friends,

This year has flown by like a covfefe! In fact, the Franklins would like to tell you that it has been a great year, a fantastic year and that they won bigly, but that would be Fake News! So dishonest!

So, first, there’s Taylor. Now 25, Taylor probably, maybe has a high I.Q., a very high I.Q. But you wouldn’t know it what with this being ‘Year 7’ of her never-ending quest for a college degree. Since none of her ASU credits were accepted by the Cal State system (and who can blame them with classes like “History of Snap Chat”) it’s as if her parents put twins through college. LOSERS! Joe and Nancy think graduation is just around the corner…that corner being Pooh Corner and a fairy tale.

Taylor moved from the the Marriott LAX Courtyard to the Marriott Residence Inn, Manhattan Beach this year. She was named Employee of the Month after only three months of employment. Believe me, Joe is so proud that if she wasn’t his daughter, he’d let Trump date her. Sad!

And if President Trump is going to build a big, beautiful wall, Joe and Nancy are asking that he install and test the prototypes in the doorway to Taylor’s room. They’re hoping she’ll cross the border and immigrate to the outside world instead of further into the cocoon of her parents’ home. So disturbing!

Now, the Franklins love our military. Our military are great people, very good people and they are going to make America Great Again. That ‘great again’ stuff will have to wait a little longer since Jimmy, 26, has re-upped for another four years in the Marine Corps. He’s now a CH-53 crew chief which means he can fly with the helicopter and handle emergencies and repairs for his assigned ‘bird’. Nancy and Joe think this is like putting Wile E. Coyote on board with an Acme product but Jimmy is as excited as Ralphie with his Little Orphan Annie decoder ring.

Sometime around March, Jimmy’s wife, Christie, began singing “In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas. In the Navy, you can put your mind at ease!” The Franklins thought they were having a Village People acid flashback until Christie was shipped off for four months to Navy boot camp in Illinois and training in Mississippi. Some people will do anything to get away from an infant, a toddler and Jimmy. Nancy and Joe wish they’d thought of that about 20 years ago. Christie is now a “logistic specialist” with the Navy which means she can order and arrange transport for more rolls of paper towels for Puerto Rico. She can also order basketballs for ‘special ambassador’ Dennis Rodman when he goes back to visit Little Rocket Man.  

As for the grandchildren, believe me, they think they are winning hugely! On December 1, the court brought down the gavel on Maci’s adoption and she is now 3 years old and officially a Franklin. Of course she doesn’t know what adoption means and once she gets ‘woke’ enough, she’ll wonder why she is more evolved and not picking fleas off other family members, like the rest of the Franklins.

Caroline, now one, is a big joy, a great joy….YUUUGGEE. She has good genes, very good genes and the Franklins are taking great pride in watching her hit her milestones. She took her first steps earlier this month and can wave, give a high five and fist bump which far surpasses the grunts her father considers ‘communication.’ Nancy and Joe’s payback will start when Caroline removes her own diaper and finger-paints on the walls with its contents.  

In August, Nancy was told “You’re fired!” by Providence. Actually, it was more like “You’re laid off!”. This wasn’t a surprise; You know you’re headed that way when a company restructures, puts out eight org charts in three years, starts using words like “adaptability” and changes your title four times. Nancy, having ‘adapted’ into that cranky elderly person she said she’d never become (but now fully understands), didn’t go quietly. Nancy knows words; Nancy has the best words. But you won’t be hearing any of them here since she signed that confidentiality agreement. Joe is a little less than thrilled that Nancy has retired. She has organized the pantry, contracted with a handy man to do all the “honey-do” chores, and converted Jimmy’s old bedroom into her personal ‘She Shed.’ She’s got eyeballs on remodeling the kitchen and has started assessing Joe in a way that makes him feel like one of those houses on Flip or Flop. 

So, Joe and Nancy have travelled to lots of countries, like Hawaii, the Asia, the Australia, the Europe. This year, Joe stormed the beaches at Normandy, establishing a beachhead while Nancy advanced and pillaged the shops in the surrounding towns and villages. Then it was on to Sicily, which is an island in an ocean, a really big ocean, where they joined their good friends Bill and Rose. Joe and Bill took turns debating the meaning of Sicilian road signs while Nancy and Rose sat in the back seat enjoying the scenery and commenting on the agility of the locals as they scattered for safety from the path of the oncoming car. 

Now, Joe likes Christmas decorations; Nobody likes Christmas decorations more than Joe. Joe probably, maybe, has the biggest, the most beautiful decorations, even if Nancy doesn’t think so. This year, Nancy had the front and back yards redone, adding prickly cactus in the hope that those might impede some of Joe’s holiday ‘Grand-scaping.’ Joe doesn’t get enough credit for this but he stillfound a way to put up the holiday decorations! Look it up! No wonder Trump needs more electricity from big, beautiful West Virginia coal!  And this year, if you, your children, or your grandchildren write a letter to Santa and leave it in the special mailbox at the foot of the Franklin front steps (with your return address!), you’ll get a personal missive in return from one of the Franklin elves. 

And so, as the Franklins close out another year, they once again give thanks to the Blacks, the Mexicans, the Gays, the Womens and to you, our family and friends, for the great joy you all bring to their lives. May you have blessings in 2018.

Happy Holidays, Hugely!

Joe, Nancy, Jimmy, Christie, Taylor, Maci and Caroline