2020 Christmas

Dear Family and Friends,

There’s no place like home for the holidays, right? Well, no place like the Franklin home after these past nine months. It seems to have developed its own miasmic ecosystem. All it needs is David Attenborough narrating as Joe wanders from his lair wearing the same fashion-backward, crumb-encrusted fleece house jacket he’s been wearing through 9 months of greatly relaxed hygiene standards. In any event, the Franklins can see a light at the end of the 2020 tunnel, although the way this year has gone, it may be the Polar Express about to ‘flatten the curve’ on them as it rumbles by.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going… to Okinawa. Jimmy, now 29, escaped back to Okinawa in June. Upon arrival, he and the rest of the Marine Flying Squirrels were quarantined for two weeks. When they came out, they had to go right back into quarantine when almost the entire squad contracted COVID. This proved, once again, that Jimmy can catch anything except a break. Jimmy complained that all he could do was play video games while people in Haz-Mat suits brought in food and checked his temperature. Nancy reminded him that this was like reliving his high school years. He’s back now, basking in the dulcet tones of his children, screaming into the great void for control of the remote and settling arguments about who got the bigger piece of the Oreo gingerbread house.

For Nancy and Joe, stay-at-home orders were like caretaking at The Overlook Hotel. Eventually, Nancy took to her computer like Jack Nicholson and tapped out her descent into madness. A few of these got published on humor websites. She also aired her dirty laundry in public, which turned into a super spreader event and went viral. Who knew that 6 million people wanted to see her winging laundry at Joe? Turns out people in such far flung places as England, China and Australia did!  John Krasinski’s Some Good News aired the video with Joe Buck providing color commentary. It doesn’t get much better than that unless you actually manage to hit Joe in the head with some unmentionables. Nancy continues to practice daily with a variety of decorative and utilitarian household objects.

Occasionally, two little girls would show up and invite Joe, Nancy and Taylor to ‘come play’ with them. Those turned out to be Maci and Caroline who, at 6 and 4-years old, are, as Taylor refers to them, ‘walking birth control.’ You try sitting through 16 repetitive showings of 8 seasons of “Octonauts” while managing meal requests for powdered donuts, root beer and Twizzlers. Liam, now one, would occasionally join his sisters at the Franklins’. The kid has a serious FOMO issue and is reluctant to go to sleep. His grandparents have FOMO, as well, which, in their case, is ‘fear of missing OUT on sleep!’

Taylor, now 28, stayed close to home, where the money is…er…was. She could always count on a good meal or glass of wine being handed to her through the cat door by a pair of kitchen tongs. Since she was temporarily furloughed from her job at The Westdrift, Joe and Nancy thought they’d test the outer limits of her University of California bachelor’s degree by having Taylor supervise her niece’s first grade Zoom learning.

Here’s a riddle for those of you doing home schooling: If Grandma buys 100 rolls of toilet paper on Amazon, and duct tapes her grandkids to the wall, how many glasses of wine can she drink before she runs out of cake and her neighbors call Child Protective Services? Nobody in the Franklin house got that right.

The Franklins know you’ll miss hearing about their family adventures while traveling in some exotic foreign locale. This year, the only place the Franklins could go was insane. Their sanity left about two weeks after lockdown started and had its passports stamped in such mind-altering locations as Paranoia, Depression, Mad-As-A-Hatter and The Phobias. The Franklins aren’t sure if it’s coming back.

Did you try baking sourdough bread this year? Nancy didn’t have 400 year old yeast starter brought over on the Mayflower by ancestors. She already had her own yeast starter. Her gynecologist prescribed something for it.

The Franklins also are sorry to say that they did not rekindle a love for jigsaw puzzles and family game nights. Nancy did ‘rekindle’ something, however. She lit a fire under Joe. He suffered a few second degree burns but, by God, that garage is clean!

And as long as we’re ‘re-crapping’ this year, nothing says “Let’s add some more politics into this 2020 excrement show” like Joe deciding to run for Manhattan Beach City Council. Again, Joe pulled out all the stops and Nancy pulled out all her hair; which was fine since not being able to avail herself of her stylist, and with those extra few COVID pounds, Nancy and her technicolor grow-out are looking like the butt end of a unicorn.

Once the hanging chads cleared and all the votes from the aliens in the Horsehead Nebula were counted, Joe was certified the winner. At some point during his four-year term, through the magic of Manhattan Beach’s tradition of rotating Mayoral duties, Joe will be Mayor of Manhattan Beach. Nancy is already working on her ‘cause’ when she’s the “FLOMB” (First Lady Of Manhattan Beach). She’s thinking “No Day Sober” will work for her. She’s starting right now to make sure she’s properly medicated for the duration of Joe’s term. She recommends, and invites, your participation.

All in all, this year was like the ten Biblical plagues of Egypt. Except for the locusts. Wait, does having your newly-remodeled kitchen invaded by ants count? If so, the Franklins are solid.

And as this ‘annus horribilis’ comes to a close, the Franklins are grateful for their health; and their family and friends who have remained supportive, healthy and safe through this crisis. They pray for a return to normalcy in the coming months, because even though the Franklins have a theory that this year Santa’s sleigh is being pulled by the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, there’s always next year. Unless that asteroid NASA has been talking about decides to make a slight left turn.

May we hear a second for the motion to wish you Happy Holidays?

With love and good humor, always.

The Franklins—Joe, Nancy, Jimmy, Taylor, Christie, Maci, Caroline and Liam