Outbreak of Idiocy Now Country Pandemic

Epicenter Appears to Be White House

(Washington D.C., March 5, 2020) Today, leaders at the Centers for Disease Control announced that the outbreak of idiocy first linked to events in 2016 has now reached pandemic levels in the United States and shows no signs of abating.

According to current estimates, idiocy infections have reached their highest levels yet, with nearly every American either already infected or seriously at risk.

“We’re stunned at how far this has gone,” said Justin B. Gawn, Infectious Disease Specialist. “We truly didn’t see this coming. It’s like watching Bachelor in Paradise: you just can’t tear your eyes away.”

Scientists first noticed the outbreak in January, 2017, and have tracked its continued spread from Supreme Court nominations, to family reunion dinner table discussions to the appointment of Vice President Mike Pence as leader of the coronavirus task force, which Gawn likened to asking Betsy DeVoss to be Secretary of Education. “Wait, that happened, didn’t it?” Gawn said.

Researchers have been working furiously to locate the initial source of the outbreak and are fairly certain that Idiot Zero is in, or near, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 

There is still no cure although scientists are hoping that the country will have this under control by November. Currently, researchers suggest washing your hands for extended periods of time and isolating yourself from Fox News, where most idiots reside.