OUT OF OFFICE REPLIES

(That Will Have Your Co-Workers Wishing You'd Leave More Often)

Want to let your co-workers REALLY know what you're up to when you're 'out of the office'? Well, now you can! I've actually used some of these and am STILL EMPLOYED! Or H.R. just hasn't seen them...yet. Go ahead, use one. I double-dog dare you. And watch for my new book "Out of Office Replies That Will Have Your Co-Workers Wishing You Would Leave More Often" coming soon to my Mirthendise section!

ATTENDING A MEETING

I’m offsite attending a meeting. Apparently this meeting is so secret that they didn’t want to hold it at the office where people might overhear us or want to attend. This is how rumors get started. I’ll try to fan the flames when I return on ____________

I’m in a meeting. And you’re not. Worry about it. That will give you something to do until I return on________________.

I’m out of the office at a meeting of the bored. Seriously, if you knew what went on at these meetings you’d agree we need better medications as part of our health plan. I expect I’ll need waking up at ___________________.

TRAINING AND RETREATS

I am out of the office attending a training meeting. I expect we’ll have our decoder rings synchronized and be back in the office on _________________.

I am out of the office in a training meeting. Management tells me the programming should be quick once they plant the computer chip in our brains. We’ll be back in our chairs on _________________.

I’m at the company’s annual retreat. If Patton had had as many retreats as this company, we’d all be eating sauerkraut and sticky rice. I will be back on ____________.

GENERAL/VACATION

Some very nice men in white coats came and said they wanted to show me my new padded office. They tell me that when I’m back from my “vacation”, on _______, I’ll feel much better and won’t have that urge to gnaw off people’s limbs.

Did you hear voices? I sure did. That’s why I checked myself into a “spa” until ________. I figure if I can just keep Raoul, the pool boy in the Speedo, bringing me liquid medication I should be able to blot out those voices in no time.

Hi! I’m the mail room guy. The person who normally sits at this desk is out until ___________. They told me not to answer any questions, but how hard can this be? Gee, give a monkey a typewriter and eventually he’ll type out one of our corporate press releases. So, how am I doing?

 In the fight for truth, justice and the American Way, I am on jury duty ________________. I can’t imagine why they’d want anyone with tin foil on her head and a bad case of Tourette’s Syndrome (“Liar!”…”Guilty!”…”I hear aliens!”). But that must be what they mean when they say ‘jury of your peers’.

I am being asked to reacquaint myself with my family. Apparently, I forgot where I lived and they had to put my picture on a milk carton. They’ll let me come back when I can remember who they are, which should be by _____________.

LABOR DAY

There’s something ironic about celebrating the “worker” by indulging in activities normally associated with the unemployed, like bumming at the beach, sleeping in and swilling refreshing beverages. But I know an opportunity when I see one, so I’m outta here until ____________.

THANKSGIVING

Ah, Thanksgiving! The only thing bigger than my stomach is a Macy’s parade balloon. I’ll be back in the office on _________________ when we’ve gotten all the gas out.

Hot buns, succulent skin, whipped cream. And that just describes the Thanksgiving Day half-time entertainment. Or the cheerleaders. You pick. However, I won’t care what my husband’s watching ‘cause I’ll be in a triptophan-induced coma until _____________.

MEMORIAL DAY

I am out of the office for the Memorial Day Holiday. What better time to let my husband fire up the barbeque and roast our children….er…HOT DOGS! I’ll be back in the office on _______________.

FOURTH OF JULY

I am out until __________ celebrating Independence Day. I’ll be lighting fireworks under the buttocks of my husband and children in an attempt to get a few chores done around the house. Between that and margaritas, it should be quite the celebration!

HALLOWEEN

I know most of you already think I ride a broom to the office but in honor of Halloween, I’m going to be scaring the wits out of my children, carving up my husband’s self-esteem and making candy the main course of every meal. I will be back ____________ or having my stomach pumped.

PRESIDENT’S DAY

This President’s Day, I will be out buying a mattress, appliance or piece of apparel in the true spirit of this holiday. Is this why they put Washington and Lincoln on our money? I’ll be back in the office ______________.

CHRISTMAS

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tinkling, too! Since I’m hearing bells, it means I’m due for a long vacation. I sure hope I don’t mistake the fat man coming down my chimney for someone in management and wrap a cord of lights around his throat. I’ll be back in the office on _____________.